“When I paint,” thought Ellis, I feel at home. I can find refuge from the storm of thoughts and focus on my feelings and then let those feelings sort the thoughts out in a way makes the most sense. Being in front of my canvas is a position of reconciliation where I gain unity of thought and feeling. I get into the flow and just let my thoughts organize or condense around my feelings. My thoughts come together and make more sense when I paint. I recharge my mental batteries and feel free from other’s expectations.
Here I am again. In front of my canvas. But this time is different. I can feel it. Sketching, mixing colors, getting just the right brush or stroke, line or feel. Letting my hand just go, letting my mind be at home and feeling the flow of work just move through me. Thinking, thinking of Her.
What is it about me, about Her to me, that makes so much sense? Where do I end and She begin? Who am I without Her? What am I without Her?
With each stroke, each movement, my mind went back.
It started several months ago… I was surfing the internet, looking up hypnosis links, when I came across Her site. Nice site, I thought. Informative, real, mysterious. Then a few minutes later I was back at the site. It had several inductions that ran by themselves on the screen. I thought, “cool, I’ll watch those.” So I chose to watch. Then went on to other sites. Several days later, I was back again, reading more, watching those inductions again.
It all made so much sense. It finally dawned on me. She was on to something. I loved to submit to women. There must be something to this. A realization. And I had to know so much more. I had to explore this possibility. So, I went back to that site again and again. That’s how it started.
Now where will it end?
Another brush stroke. Ahhh, need to get that line to work! Just a little here…… Good, nice.
But it can’t end. I can’t end. She told me that She would help guide me in this quest. I wanted to know. Subscribed to Her site and read and watched.
It came on seemingly, slowly. A growing desire to open my mind to Her. To let her in my mind to see all that was there. To share. I wanted to share and give Her my thoughts. I wished She knew everything about me… but why would She want to? So I wrote. I wrote to Her and confessed. I wanted to confess, I wanted to reveal. I wanted to open my soul to Her view. She asked me to and I did. Over and over, letting her deeper and deeper into my mind. Opening up to Her on different levels. And I felt it. As I opened to Her, I opened to myself. Got to know myself better. Started to like myself more. It felt so good to allow Her into my soul and give Her free access to my brain.
But how much can I show her? How much access, how open can I be? How far can it go? I don’t know. I do know. It can go very, very far. I want it. I think I want it. But how much?
Now to get just a slightly different hue here to transition from this movement. Dab here. Dab there. Make it happen. Good.
Her creations urged me on. Enticed me. Enthralled me. Excited me. Invited me to go further. I started thinking differently. How good it is to submit. Submit to Her. The reason I opened to Her was to submit to Her, of course. So I thought. It just came to me. It felt so good to just give in and let Her have it. Very natural for me to do. And since it was natural, it was OK — even very healthy and productive. I knew that. It felt right. To give was much better than to take. She was so strong, so understanding. I had to. Just had to continue and explore. What a journey. Incredible things. To submit to Her was my aim, my objective, my desire, my longing. And then, I was submitting. Where is my mind going, I asked myself? Where it should be, with Her, I answered mentally. I was submitting all along and just realized it. I came so naturally, I didn’t even recognize the realized truth of it. It was there. Plain as day. And yet so surprising and satisfying to make the discovery.
Submission was so good. But could I, would I, really let go? Can I really submit? Is it really the right time?
My face grimaced. Can’t believe I just did that! I’ll have to work around that with the next layer. Stupid brush. Ah well, here we go. This is good. Now were going again…..Ah my soul rejoicing with that last bit there. Great. Going now.
I felt so close to Her. Felt Her in my mind. Felt good in my mind. Felt good to do what She wanted. Yes, to submit is to obey. Obey Her. My submission transitioned into more. Into deeper senses. It went into wanting to do what She wanted. My mind dwelled on trying to understand what She wanted of me. I kept going back and doing all i could on Her site. Tried to communicate and interact with Her. Examined everything i could to see what it was that She wanted of me. Listening over and over to Her MP3s — allowing my mind to become more conditioned to respond to Her, to want to be Hers, to open, submit and obey Her. i longed for Her approval. i longed for her acceptance. But who was i to expect anything. And what did i expect? Don’t know, just felt driven and hungry for Her control to be able to show obedience. i wanted so badly to obey. How comfortable i felt now with the idea and desire to obey Her. i just had to obey? i had chosen it hadn’t i? i walked the path and it turned into my path. i walked to Her drumbeat, which was really my drumbeat. in pace and in sync as She became more and more part of my inner being. it just felt so very, very good. So safe and right. Having Her there with me, being there with Her. Close to the fibers of my soul. Obedient and happy.
But I could rip this canvas to shreds! Just demolish it! Throw it out the window! Burn it! Yes, that’s it I will burn it, burn portions of it, call it my new medium — fire. Fire to burn and destroy and deface. Fire to conceal all of my horrid mistakes and shortcomings with this most frustrating painting. I just can’t go on! No but i must. Must figure this out. Must be clear. Must be true. Must express and feel. That’s what i will do here. Let it happen right. OK, i’ll try again. Get this brush to flow. Get the colors to mix. Let the colors mix. Let go of the expectation. Let it go. Let it flow. Good.
But where to then? Obedience seems so right and feels so good. Feels so good to let Her control my mind. Let Her own me. Own my body. Own my thoughts. i am under Her control. But i knew this, right? i mean almost from the beginning. From that first induction, i knew. Yes, i knew i was Hers. Why did it take so long to understand this? My mind is so weak sometimes. It’s so good to have Her there. It’s so good to let Her lead me, guide me. Submission really only has that meaning when working with such an amazing woman. So kind. So understanding. So demanding. So controlling. So commanding. It just feels so good as i think about it all; opening to Her, giving my mind and soul to Her, doing what She wants, letting Her do anything She wants with me. Why question now? Why ask? Just seek and be well with my feelings. Any hesitation? Any question lingering? Not really. But maybe… maybe there is a question… do i worship Her well enough? Is She my all? Do i beg enough? Do i plead with enough emotion and intent?
There, that is it. It feels so right. So complete now.
I think its done.
“What do You think, Mistress?”
“Oh :parted lips with a slight intake of breath: a red rose. For me — and the only picture you have ever painted while on your knees — how very sweet. And look, you dripped paint on your penis :warm smile: . Good boy, Ellis. It is wonderful”
Oh the feelings as she says that. I am truly Hers.
“Happy Valentines, Mistress.”